How I Found Stillness

What does it really mean to be still? It means to stop; body and mind. It sounds so easy right? Just stop. Just saying those two words to myself and I can feel my fingers tapping as my compulsive self is waiting for what’s next.

I didn’t really know it was something I was capable of doing to be honest. Between family, career and a laundry list of responsibilities; finding thirty minutes for yourself really is an impossible task most days. Was I really too busy? Maybe if I just kept myself busy then I wouldn’t have deal with my thoughts.

When I first learned about my stillness, I had no idea I had unlocked something so profound it would change my entire perception and the course of my life. I was always interested in the idea of yoga or meditation but it, like so many things, would be something I’d get to when I had time. 

It wasn’t until I took my first restorative yoga class as part of a recovery plan from an accident that I had the opportunity. I had such limited abilities at the time and was carrying the stress of my day-to-day life along with the grief I felt from the loss of my life as I knew it.

I used that time to relax as I willed my body to do things it could before. As I lay on the floor and pay attention to my breath (for the first time in my life I’m sure), I watched my lungs as they filled up with air, exhale.

Eyes closed; I would fill up the right side of my lungs, exhale, fill up the left side. Hands on my chest, I could feel my tension let go as I would melt into my mat. Without intention, I had found presence and the stillness of my mind.

When it was over and I would go back to my job, I was thrust back into the grind and my stillness was gone. I felt let down and empty. Like I had found a long lost friend I’d been searching for forever and they were gone again.

With the onset of the pandemic, my classes and teachers of my new found peace were gone. For months I was at home alone and one afternoon I wondered, if I lay on my floor with my legs up the wall listening to my meditation playlist, could I find it? That place where I felt so still, all the world and everything connected to me would stop spinning and I could just be?

I’m going to back up and say I’ve never sat before and deliberately meditated. It’s been something that just happened for me in these moments. I tried my best to focus, have you ever tried to not think? It’s so hard.  Breath in, breath out, breath in…I should add this to my grocery list. Damn it. Focus. Breath in, breath out, repeat.

The first few times were beyond frustrating. I truly felt like a meditating failure and got no relief from constantly fighting my mind. I felt like the whole idea was annoying and as I try to listen to Deepak Chopra tell me to bring my attention to my breath, my mind was already off on a tangent.

It was an internal tug of war where my mind would interrupt and I would refocus on my presence. Using my senses, I’d bring my attention to sound, smell, touch and breath. The stillness found me. With each breath I could feel consciousness increasing and there was a familiar soul.

My feelings were brought back being a child, my authentic self before I had ever learned to think before I spoke. As this version of myself, I am welcoming and full of inner joy. This soul is honest and loving and sure. In these moments, there is no fear, worry or anxiousness. I can see my current life through the lens of my childhood eyes and there is so much beauty.

I am present with my Being. My mind is quiet and doesn’t try to interrupt me with a barrage of useless thoughts. I feel my uniqueness in the world and with it, all that I have to offer and still yet to learn. I welcome the growth and feel purpose.

You see, we were all taught a standard that distorted the perceptions of our very existence, acceptability. In our never-ending quest to fulfill its requirements and hold each other to this unrealistic and unauthentic standard, we’ve dimmed the light that should shine from each one of us.

I’m not here to convince you of anything, just know that the stillness exists in all of us. A deeper level of consciousness, self love and awareness that brings clarity and melts away the fears and worry we all carry.

To practice stillness, you have to be prepared to do just that – practice. It won’t come easy at first and it will be illusive since our minds are noisy by nature. Eckhart Tolle writes in his book The Power of Now, “Identification with our mind, which causes thought to become compulsive. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding the realm of inner stillness”.

You have the ability and awareness to silence your mind and connect to a much deeper version of yourself. Your Soul, your Knowing are yours to realize. Should you choose to make space for them in your presence.