My Collision Course With Anxiety

Do you live with anxiety or know someone who does? I knew people who suffered from it daily and as much as I felt compassion towards them for the grip it had on their lives, I never fully understood the level of intensity until I collided with it.

It began on a Friday evening in early summer. I was going about a normal workday when I felt my chest tightening and my heart started pounding.  It was nearly time to head home for the day so I couldn’t get in to see my doctor. I decided to see how I felt over the weekend and if it persisted, I’d just go to the hospital.

Saturday morning the tightness was still there and I was a smoker then so I was really concerned that I might have something wrong with my lungs. I decided to go to the ER and get some answers. After hours of waiting, blood work and other tests, the doctor I saw told me he could confirm it wasn’t anything serious and that I should follow up with my family doctor the following week.

I was pissed. Now I’d have to endure these symptoms for days and how do you just let someone leave a hospital if they are having trouble breathing, their heart is pounding and with no answers?

Monday, I called my doctor’s office and was able to get in. I’m sitting there, I can’t breathe and my heart is racing so hard I can see every beat pounding on my shirt. He checks my vitals and asks “why are you so anxious?” I’m thinking “because you damn doctors have let me feel this way for days without answers, that’s why!”

He proceeds to tell me it’s an anxiety attack and sends me on my way with a bottle of Ativan. “Take a week off work and take these, they will help calm your body down.” I couldn’t’ even think of a reason for my body to not be calm. I had moved the previous year and just gotten married in April. Things were actually great in my life. I reluctantly took the pills for a few days and made an appointment with a therapist.

I met with my therapist regularly as I got to know everything about anxiety, how it can develop and how to manage it. I learned that it often doesn’t necessarily appear during a terribly stressful time, it can silently build up inside from years of managing stress. This was the case for me, I had been a warrior for so many for so long that the battle wounds just finally started to bleed out.

The rest of that year was an epic battle of me against the physical reactions in my body that were triggered by my thoughts. My therapist had a great metaphor for my anxiety, she compared my body to a sensitive smoke alarm. “You may have just been making toast but your smoke alarm is going off. There is no fire, your alarm is so sensitive it’s triggered by the burnt toast.” That made sense to me, now I’d just have to teach my body that there were no fires. Just burnt toast.

I was driving to work a few weeks later, it’s sunny, there’s actually great music on the radio and I have my favorite coffee cup, life’s good. Suddenly I can feel the tightening in my chest, out of nowhere. It feels like boa constrictor has wrapped around my lungs and it’s squeezing me. My first thought is “oh God, it’s happening”. It gets tighter. Shit. Breath. In 1,2,3,4, out 1,2,3,4. Focus on your senses, slow deep breaths. The tightening starts to soften, not all the way but enough for me to know that I did it. I was able to make it stop.

Having anxiety makes you feel crazy. People just don’t understand that your body is actually physically reacting to a thought or situation and you have no control over it. You look fine, there’s no open wounds but you feel like you very well could be dying inside. Add the restless nights of insomnia and you really do feel like you’re losing your mind. Your family walks on eggshells around you (don’t wake the beast) and that just makes you feel worse.

I never considered myself an anxious person. I have handled enormously stressful situations with calculated precision. I was a master multi tasker and always felt like I could conquer anything. Give me a challenge, I’ll show you how to do it. I’ve clearly learned that I’m not Superwoman (at least not every day), I’m mortal and in fact human.

I’ve been living with anxiety for almost six years now and I would say our relationship is mostly stable. I still feel the gentle creep of the tightening every now and then but I’m now able to calmly acknowledge it and then coax it away.

I spent a lot of time frustrated, heart broken and angry that I will have to carry it with me for the rest of my life. I guess it was grief, I was grieving the loss of my invincibility and learning to accept this new version of myself.

I’ve learned to slow down, way down. I’m not in a constant hurry to get to where I need to be, I enjoy the scenery. It’s taught me to take care of myself and that it’s ok to have boundaries and it’s ok to say no. I can’t save everyone anymore, I started drowning.

My new companion reminds me when I’ve taken on too much or if I’m over reacting to something that is out of my control. It has helped me stop and really enjoy the present moment. I feel like I’ll really see more in my life traveling at this new pace, perhaps it’s a gift?

If you are dealing with anxiety, you are not alone. If you are supporting someone with anxiety, be compassionate and patient, the battle they are fighting is extremely difficult and debilitating. If you’ve never experienced either, take care of yourself and slow down. Save yourself some stress and enjoy the ride.