Unmasking My Truth

When I started writing my Blog, I had initially decided to stay somewhat anonymous. I didn’t even want my first name on the About page. I wanted to be irrelevant, it was my writing that I was putting out there. Not myself.

Something so ironic about the world we find ourselves in right now. Every person that walks past me is wearing a mask and it couldn’t be a truer metaphor for how I feel most days.

I don’t think I’m fake but I’m definitely reserved and not as forthcoming as I could be at times. It’s because I hate attention and prefer to be unnoticed. This probably comes from getting too much attention when I was younger, I now find it intrusive to my inner peace.

I really struggle with asking for or accepting help. It’s not that I’m too proud, it’s just that I’ve been so independent my entire life that I don’t really don’t know how. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable to surrender to myself and be ok with having a break. I carry incredible guilt with “wasting the day”, even if my body begs me to stop.

My desire to write again came from this deep place of wanting to live my truth and to connect with people trying to live their own. Yet here I was, scared to death of really putting myself out there. My ego still dreads judgement.

How could I really connect if I couldn’t be completely honest?

Does anyone else’s opinion really matter? No. I have nothing to lose so, here it goes. I’m just going to breath, pour it out and post.

I’m an introvert but deep down I really care about people. I love being around those closest to me, sometimes I feel the emotions of others so intensely that I need time alone afterwards to recover.

I’ve never been a socialite and really much prefer a small circle of friends and deep meaningful conversations. I hate shooting the shit with people I don’t know. Any conversation that requires the right answer is a fake one.

I can be paralyzed with fear in a room of strangers. I’ve been called stuck up because I wasn’t talkative or openly friendly with people I didn’t know. It was really because I’m shy and I need to get to know people before I’m could be truly comfortable and be myself.

I’m a mom of two amazing children and I have so many days when I feel like I’m failing or not giving them enough of me. Whether it be my time, energy, enthusiasm or patience. I will always think about how I could have done better and pray that they accept me for who I am, faults and all.

I’ve been a good friend but also a terrible one at times. I’ve been guilty of wanting to make time to catch up with people and not doing it. It’s not that I don’t care, I just spread myself so thin so often and rarely find space for more.

Life has felt like a circus and I am a clown. I feel awkward and clumsy in my attempt to try and juggle every aspect of my life. I suppose like every professional production there are some great takes and a ton of bloopers.

I try not to live with regrets. I really do believe that every experience I’ve had (even the terrible ones) have shaped me to be exactly who I am today. Although I’m really happy with the outcome, I would be lying if I didn’t say there were a few things I’d do differently.

I’ve hurt people. Not out of malice but out of immaturity and poor judgement. To those of you, know that I’m deeply sorry if my actions and inexperience have ever hurt your heart. It was never my intention. Thank you for helping me to grow, know better and do better.

I’ve had huge belly laughs, big time tears and made some pretty magical memories. I’m incredibly grateful for the vastness of both experiences and people that have been part of my journey along the way.

I love nature. I was born in a small town on the west coast of Newfoundland. I didn’t really see the beauty of the ocean until I moved away from it. Now when I visit and drive along the waves crashing into the rocky beaches, I just stare while my soul is filled with pure joy.

My Newfie accent is buried deep inside but comes flying out after a few drinks with my fellow Newfoundlanders. I love indie and folk music; I play the guitar and can be the first one on the dance floor when I hear a foot stomping classic.

I suffer from anxiety. It completely knocked me off my feet five years ago and I had to learn how to manage the physical reactions in my body from the stress in my head. Most days I have it under control but I definitely still have really bad moments. It has really taught me self awareness as well as self forgiveness.

I have a huge heart and want to help people. I’ve witnessed people from all walks of life in the midst of their own suffering. So many different circumstances and yet the exact same pain behind their eyes.

It’s our fear and love that connects us all. Regardless of the details of our experiences, these two emotions are as constant as the moon and the sun. We all know what they feel like to give and receive, we need to choose love. I choose love. Wishing I had an army of love solders to fight the fears in all of us.