Running Towards The Roar

Have you ever wanted to change your life but knew that in or order to do so, you would have to risk everything and with no guarantees? If the opportunity presented itself, would you take it?

Although I’m a seasoned anxious person, I’m not fearful. Saying that feels odd to me. Before I understood anxiety, I had this vision that anxious people were worried and paralyzed by fear. Perhaps I do worry, but I’m fearless when it comes to taking action. 

I’ve been fortunate to have the rug pulled out from beneath me many times in my life. With the walls crashing down around me, I learned pretty young to run towards the roar. Somehow I figured out that if I ran towards it instead of away from it, I could subdue it and conquer it.

I believe we all have the ability to create our lives. Whether it be by the Grace of God or the Law of Attraction, I figured it out long before I ever heard the concept proclaimed by either. I believe they are one and the same.

I’ve heard from so many people who want change or different opportunities in their lives but they aren’t willing to trust themselves enough to take the leap without a guarantee. That guarantee better be signed in ink and with a witness present.

Big changes come with big sacrifices, a tremendous amount of faith and the trust in yourself to move forward without a single guarantee in sight. Beyond the fact that it’s scary as hell, some choices will absolutely go against reason. You better be brave enough to travel on your own too because the people who love you the most will always choose reason.

My first real experience of true bravery happened almost twenty years ago. I was in my second year of university and felt completely lost. I had been an honours student in high school but of course I didn’t yet know I had an internal compass, so I was left unsure of what to pursue. My mother reassured me that things would be fine, pick a school, register, you’ll decide when you get there.

I was five semesters into post secondary, thirty thousand dollars in debt and still couldn’t decide. However by that time, my internal compass was alive and well. It was telling me to leave. My practical mind was telling me to get a grip. The voice inside me spoke quietly but with certainty as she urged me to trust my knowing. It was that same gut feeling you get when you know deep down something is wrong.

Honours students don’t just quit university for no good reason right? The obnoxious voice of shame had now joined the party. I reassured both reason and shame that I wouldn’t willingly do something reckless. At the same time, I was pleading with all the powers that be, begging them to release me from the prison of life that I felt like I was living.

A few weeks into my third year, I found out I didn’t get my student loan approval. It was a paperwork error since I hadn’t yet declared my major so I wouldn’t be receiving funds to continue with that semester. I called my dad to tell him what happened and that I really didn’t want to be there. “Then leave” he said. “Then I will”, I thought.

My parents were separated at that time and my mom wanted me to stay, steadily offering encouragement that we’d figure it out. I found out that I had a chance to go live with my paternal aunt and try my hand at real life. When I got that phone call, I stood in the middle of my bedroom, overcome with what had unfolded. I had silently asked and willed for this opportunity. I was heard. They delivered. I was all in.

While I processed these events and what I felt was a personal miracle, I prepared for what I knew would be a journey and a real life changing event. My mom along with some of my closest friends didn’t even know I was leaving. It was one of those situations where I knew they would try to convince me with their best intentions not to follow my heart, I couldn’t bear to hear them. It took every ounce of strength inside me to focus on what was to come and nothing else, until I boarded the plane.

Worry and doubt we’re constantly antagonizing me. My imagination was unleashed creating stories of struggle and failure. Along with the voices of concern from those who knew I was leaving, I began to question myself. But my knowing was steady and reassuring, “it will not be easy but it will be worth it”.

I left my entire life as I knew it to fly across an enormous country with twenty dollars in my pocket. I would land with a place to stay, the support of my aunt and the determination to create my life. 

The people who love you the most won’t always support your decisions in the moment because they see the risk and want to keep you safe. By following your heart and achieving your dreams, they will be happy for you in the end. I just needed to get to the end.

As I walked through downtown Calgary, captivated by the vast sky scrapers and the energy of the people walking by, I opened my heart to feel it all. I did it, I was fearless. I had surrendered myself to life and in return, life echoed back with the promise of adventure and opportunity. This experience solidified my trust and relentless bravery towards life.

I will spend the rest of my life teaching my children to chase their dreams and to never let anyone stand in their way, especially the people who love them the most. Forever fighting the urge to keep them safe when they decide to fly.

I want them to listen to their knowing, protect it at all costs and when the time comes, run towards the roar.